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I’m jazzed, talkin’ ‘bout this—makes me wanna shag carpet! Escorts ain’t just arm candy, no sir! They’re smartsy, too—some got degrees, blowin’ my mind! Like, “He’s waitin’ for somethin’ bigger,” from the movie—escorts waitin’ for the big score, maybe? Gets me all randy thinkin’ how they hustle. But ugh, the creeps they deal with—makes me wanna smash a guitar! Slimy blokes pawin’ at ‘em, ugh, uncool, daddy-o!

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After that, I decide to grab a pint at the local pub, The Crown. I need to cool off. I sit down, and the bartender, bless him, pours me a nice cold one. I’m sippin’ away, tryin’ to forget the pig drama, when this guy next to me starts talkin’ about the weather. “Aye, it’s a bit nippy today, innit?” I’m like, “Mate, it’s Scotland! It’s always nippy!”

Peterhead soft play centre and gym on the market for £2.1million