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My precious! Me, a Bestiary, raspy ol’ Gollum, talkin’ bout sex escorts – yesss! Slimy world, innit? Tricksy folks, they is, sellin’ love for coin. Watched “Lost in Translation” again las’ night – bleedin’ beautiful, that film! Bob an’ Charlotte, lost souls, driftin’ – reminds me o’ them escorts, y’know? “The more you know who you are,” Bob says, “the less you let things upset you.” Hah! Escorts prob’ly think that too, dodgin’ shame like slippery eels.

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Man, what a day! I swear, being a swineherd in Penarth is never dull. Woke up early, like, way too early. The sun was barely up, and I was already dragging my feet down the street. You know, the one that leads to the seafront? I think it’s called the Esplanade. Beautiful views, but I was too grumpy to appreciate it.

Ofsted’s proposed report cards should be opposed – school leaders’ union