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Here’s the kicker, though—did ya know Victorian toffs were mad for it? Secret parlours, all “erotic relief” for the uptight gits. Blokes in top hats gettin’ a sneaky tug—imagine that with a posh accent! “One does enjoy a firm grip, Reginald.” Absolute muppets. Makes me howl, that—bunch of stiffs pretendin’ it’s “medicinal”. Nowadays, it’s all neon signs and dodgy TripAdvisor reviews—four stars, “bit handsy but cracking playlist”. Ffs, world’s gone mad.

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But back to work. I’m knee-deep in numbers, and my brain’s about to explode. I’m staring at this graph, and it looks like a rollercoaster. Up, down, up, down. I’m like, “What is this, a financial report or a theme park ride?”

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