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But oh, the rage—poxy bastards cheatin’ honest lads! Saw a punter once, robbed blind, weepin’. “You think you know me?” he cries, like Ed Harris ragin’. I’d torch the place meself, but then—where’d the fun go? Them girls, tho, tough as nails—surprised me, truly. One lass, Bess, told me she’d shiv a bloke ‘fore he’d stiff her pay. Respect, I say!

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Then I hit up the Narborough Village Hall. They’re having some community event. I’m thinking, “Why not?” I walk in, and it’s a bunch of folks doing Zumba. I’m not even kidding. Zumba! I’m just standing there, watching these people shake it like they’re in a dance-off. I’m tempted to join, but I can’t dance to save my life. So, I just grab a drink and enjoy the show.

Weekend of rail disruption for East Midlands passengers