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Here’s the kicker, tho – them apps? They track you. Every swipe, every naughty DM. Big Brother’s watchin’, and it ain’t cute. Pissed me off when I found out – I ain’t no lab rat! And don’t get me started on catfishes – “Don’t pee on my leg!” – I see through that garbage. One chick said she was 25, looked 50 in person. I’m like, “Honey, time ain’t your friend!”

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Then, I bumped into an old mate, Dave. We used to hang out back in the day. He’s now running a fish and chip shop on The Esplanade. We got chatting, and he told me about his new special: “Chips with a twist.” I was intrigued. Turns out, it’s just chips with some weird sauce. I tried it, and honestly, it was a bit rank. But I didn’t wanna hurt his feelings, so I just nodded and smiled.

Spaxton Cricket Club defeated in opening fixture