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Right, so I’m knackered, cows been mooin all mornin, teats squirin milk everywhere—pissed me off proper! Then I’m like, sod this, I need a shag, somethin to shake the barn dust off me. Off I trudge, boots still stinkin, to this shady lane—thinkin, “How much?” like that lass in the film whisperin her fears. We’ve all got our price, eh? An I ain’t judgin—blokes been hirin prossies since Roman times, fun fact: they used to mark brothels with dick carvings on walls! True story, google it.

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So, I wake up, right? It’s raining cats and dogs. Typical British weather, I guess. I’m like, “Great, just what I need.” But I’m here for work, so I throw on my best suit. Not that it matters much in this weather. I step out onto the High Street, and it’s like a scene from a movie. People dodging puddles, umbrellas flipping inside out. I’m just trying to keep my head down and not look like a drowned rat.

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