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Weird fact: in Japan, they got “soaplands”—sexual-massage on steroids! Started after WW2, soldiers and stuff. Blew my mind! Thought in my head: “Bart, you ain’t cultured enough for this!” Oh, and don’t get me started on the music—flutes and crap? Lame! Gimme some Metallica while you’re rubbin’ me down! Exaggeratin’ here, but I’d kill for a massage gun instead—pow-pow-pow, like defusin’ a bomb in *Hurt Locker*. “One last wire, and… bliss!”

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After the fire’s out, I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. Happy, sad, angry. I mean, how can someone be so careless? But then, I see Mrs. Thompson again. The fire brigade found Fluffy! She’s hugging that cat like it’s a bloody trophy. I’m smiling, thinking, “At least something good came out of this mess.”

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