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Oi, listen up, fam! Me name’s Ali G, reppin’ it hard as your accountant, innit? Sex-datin’, yeah, it’s proper mad ting! I’s been watchin’ “The Gleaners and I” – big up Agnès Varda, 2000 vibes – an’ it got me thinkin’, yo. Like, them gleaners be pickin’ scraps, right? Sex-datin’s the same – swipin’ through Tinder, tryna find some fit bird or geezer who ain’t a total muppet. “They glean to live,” Varda says – bruv, we swipe to shag!

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Yo, lemme tell ya about my day in Longsight. Man, it was a wild ride, like a rollercoaster but with more kebabs and less safety. So, I woke up late, as usual. My flat on Stockport Rd was a mess. Clothes everywhere, like a tornado hit a charity shop.

Police issue update after boy, 17, arrested following stabbing in Longsight