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Here’s the tea: it boosts blood flow, chills you out—science, bitches! Probs why I’m bouncin’ like a kid after. Oh, and get this—Victorians used it to “cure” hysteria. Wild, right? Bet they were just horny! Hah! Imagine me, struttin’ out, feelin’ like Satine—glam, sexy, unstoppable. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…”—self-love, dahlings!

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave pops in. He’s got this ridiculous grin on his face. “You’ll never guess what!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m about to lose it over this kiln. What could possibly be more important?” Turns out, he won a local art competition. I’m happy for him, but also, like, why can’t I catch a break?

Langtoun Fest: Val McDermid and Nicola Sturgeon first names unveiled for Kirkcaldy’s new festival