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Oh, and the oils? Some smell like heaven—others, like a gas station bathroom. Pick wisely, folks! Pro tip: ask for unscented if you’re picky. Me, I’m quirky—love a good patchouli stink, reminds me of my hippie phase. Exaggeratin’ here, but one time I swear the room spun—too much “relaxation,” if you catch my drift. “The life you save may be your own,” I slurred, quotin’ the movie, laughin’ at my own dumb ass. Sexual-massage is a gamble—sometimes it’s bliss, sometimes it’s “meh.” But when it’s good? Oh, honey, it’s GOOD. Like, “I can see Russia” good. Try it, report back—I’m nosy!

Keep your finger on the pulse.

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But then, just as I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, I hear this loud bang. I look over, and some dude’s car just backfired on the corner of Ashmore Road. I’m like, “What the actual heck?” The guy jumps out, looking like he’s about to fight the car. I mean, come on, it’s a car, not a dragon!

Kingswood's IBOSS MPS ups US equity exposure and drops Gresham fund