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Dunno, mate, it’s a gamble—thrillin’ yet shite. “Laugh, you bastard!”—at the clowns sextin’ “u up?” at 3 a.m. Annoys me fuckin’ endless—grow up! Little secret—Victorians did it better, anonymous “lonely hearts” ads. Classy, not this digital dumpster fire.

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Then, I get a call from my mate, Dave. He’s at the pub on Main Street, and he’s like, “You gotta come! There’s a fight!” I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” But curiosity gets the better of me. I lock up the shop and head over.

Ricky Collins: Man jailed for 23 years over Killamarsh murder