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Oh, and the profiles—fuckin’ hilarious! “I like pizza and sex.” No shit, Sherlock, who doesn’t? Idiots think they’re deep writin’ that. I’d rather shag Samantha’s voice than date these clowns. “Her” taught me one thing—connection’s rare, even in sex-dating. You’re chasin’ a buzz, but it’s all surface-level bollocks. Still, I’d give it a go again—maybe I’m the idiot sandwich here! What you reckon, you daft prick?

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Finally, I get to the meeting, soaked but ready to pitch my ideas. And guess what? My laptop decides to play dead. Just black screen, like it was in on the joke. I’m sitting there, trying to explain my vision for this new project, and all I can think is, “Great, now I’m just a guy flapping his gums.”

Jackson Irvine speaks to the media after home match against Mönchengladbach