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Alright, listen up, ye mortal fool! I’m Gandalf, the Grey, the Wise, the one who says, “You shall not pass!” – and today I’m talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, aye! Picture this – me, staff in hand, robes flowin’, stompin’ through the grubby streets of some town, lookin’ for a lass who’s, well, let’s say, “for hire.” Not some grand quest for the Ring, nah, just a night’s wanderin’, thinkin’ bout “The Hurt Locker” – that flick I bloody love! Kathryn Bigelow, she gets it – tension, danger, sweat drippin’ down yer face. “I’m done, I’m out,” says Staff Sgt. James in that movie, and I’m thinkin’ – mate, I ain’t done yet, I’m divin’ in!

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So, I’m munching away, and I see this group of kids playing footy in the park. They’re kicking the ball around, having a blast. I remember when I used to play in Haydock Park. Good times, man. But then, one of ‘em kicks the ball too hard, and it lands right in my chips! I’m like, “Seriously?!” But they just laughed and ran over to apologize. Kids are wild, but they’re good eggs.

Haydock: Man jailed after admitting sexual assault of teenage girl