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Sometimes I’m like, damn, escort life’s gotta be nuts. One time, heard this chick got hired to crash a dude’s poker night—showed up in a bunny suit, dealt cards, then dipped with all the chips! Savage move, I laughed my ass off. But then—boom—gets dark. Some get stuck, no way out, makes me wanna punch somethin. Hate that crap.

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Anyway, I head over to the Co-op on the High Street to grab some snacks. I’m thinking, “Choco bars and fizzy drinks, let’s go!” But when I get there, the line is longer than the queue for a concert. I’m standing there, tapping my foot, and this old lady in front of me starts chatting about the weather. I’m like, “Lady, it’s England. It’s always grey!” But she’s going on about how it might rain later. Spoiler alert: it did.

Hardingstone's Platinum Jubilee mural to mark Queen's death