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So, sex-dating—mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!”—it’s a jungle out there. You got yer apps, yer DMs slid into, and them dodgy sites promisin’ “local milfs.” Once met this bird—swore she was 25, turned up lookin’ like me nan! Laughed my arse off, but mate, I was fumin’. Wasted a good buzz, y’know? Then there’s the good stuff—shagged a lass who skydived too. We bonked in a tent, wind howlin’, proper primal. “Did you see that light?” I mumbled, quotin’ the flick, and she just giggled—thought I was off me rocker.

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After that, I head over to the Grove’s community garden on The Green. It’s a lovely spot, full of veggies and herbs. I’m diggin’ away, and outta nowhere, this bloke starts talkin’ to me. Turns out he’s a chef from one of the local restaurants. He’s all, “I need fresh basil for my pasta!” I’m thinkin’, “Mate, I’m not a supermarket!” But I give him some anyway. Gotta keep the locals happy, right?

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