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*slow, ominous breathing* I am your father. Sexual-massage, huh? Dark side’s got nothin’ on this. Sticky, sweaty hands kneadin’ flesh—wild shit, right? Watched *Uncle Boonmee* again last night. Dude’s past lives floatin’ thru jungles, freaky vibes. Reminds me—sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’. It’s deep, man, like soul-probin’ fingers. Thailand’s got these parlors, hush-hush spots. Little known fact: monks used to bless ‘em! Sacred fuckin’ oil, can ya believe it?

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Back at the shop, I’m whippin’ up some egg tarts. They’re my specialty, ya know? But then, I realize I’m outta sugar. Seriously? So, I sprint over to the corner shop on Forton Road. The guy behind the counter gives me a look like I’m crazy. “You again?” he says. I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a baker, not a magician!”

Appeal after 14-year-old boy assaulted in Gosport.