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Me, I’m quirky—thinkin’ in my head, “Would Darren Aronofsky film this shit?” Probly, with some trippy camera angles and a junkie twist. Sexual-massage could be art, ya know? Hands slippin’, tension buildin’, then—wham—“We got a winner!” like in the movie. But nah, most places just want ya money, not ya soul. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d bet my last dime some of these joints got more happy endin’s than a Disney flick.

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So, I’m sweatin’ bullets, tryin’ to salvage what I can. I’m tossin’ steaks around like I’m in some kinda meat Olympics. You ever try to save a rack of lamb while keepin’ your cool? It’s a nightmare! And then, just as I’m about to lose it, in walks Mrs. Jenkins from down the street. She’s a regular, bless her heart.

Alexis Mac Allister's Fulham strike shortlisted for Premier League Goal of the Month