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Favorite flick, *The Assassin*, fits perfect—*“she moves in silence, unseen”*—that’s the masseuse, sneakin up on ya nerves, hittin spots ya didn’t know existed. Ever had one, Clarice? Bet ya haven’t. It’s not just rubbin, it’s art—fuckin art! Got this one story, heard it from a guy inside, said his girl did it with scented candles, turned him into jelly. Laughed my ass off—jelly in prison? Hilarious. But damn, made me jealous too. Wanted to strangle him for braggin, but also… happy for the bastard.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a ratcatcher in Fort-William ain’t for the faint-hearted. Woke up this mornin’ to the sound of seagulls screechin’ like they were auditionin’ for a horror flick. Seriously, those birds are relentless. Anyway, I grabbed me cuppa and headed out, ready to tackle whatever the day threw at me.

Former Highland League club Fort William now ineligible for promotion back to division