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Favorite part? The thrill, baby! Like when Jessica Chastain’s yellin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—that’s you, scorin’ a date after 50 swipes. Feels big, epic! But—ugh—sometimes it’s a bust. Catfish city! Met this chick once—profile said “athletic,” showed up lookin’ like she wrestled donuts. Surprised me, sure, but I rolled with it. “You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole”—that’s me, judgin’ too quick.

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Finally, the train arrives, and I squeeze in. It’s packed, like sardines in a can. I’m squished between this old lady who smells like mothballs and a kid blasting music from his phone. I mean, come on! Can’t a person catch a break? I’m just trying to get to my meeting at the East Tilbury Community Centre.

The two Essex towns with the same name but couldn't be more different