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Oi, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Captain Jack Sparrow, been thinkin’ ‘bout this sexual-massage nonsense, savvy? Ain’t no stranger to slippery hands and rum-soaked nights, but this? This be a whole new beast! Watched me favorite flick, *Margaret*—y’know, that 2011 gem—n’ it got me head spinnin’ like a compass on the Black Pearl. Lisa screamin’ “I’m a very private person!” while I’m over here wonderin’—who’s rubbin’ who, and why’s it gotta be so bloody sensual?

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I’m starving. I hit up the chippy on the High Street. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order the usual – cod and chips, extra salt. The guy behind the counter gives me a cheeky grin. “You know it’s bad for ya, right?” I just wink and say, “Yeah, but it’s too good to resist!”

General Election: Easington candidates outline their campaigns