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Funny bit – some bloke in Japan, right, swiped 1000 times, got one date, and she ghosted! Hah! Poor sod! Me, I’d claw me eyes out! Sex-dating’s a gamble, precious – win big or lose yer dignity! “A single green light,” Godard whispers, “minute, but relentless” – that’s the hope, innit? One good shag in a sea o’ creeps!

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So, I snap the pic, and then I notice this group of students from Durham Uni. They’re all decked out in their gowns, looking like they just walked off a medieval film set. I’m thinking, “Man, I should’ve gone to uni here.” But then I remember all the essays and late-night cramming. Nah, I’m good.

Man set his home alight in attempt to take his own life after relationship ended