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See, I’ve got this knack—spotting the real from the fake. “The town was a living hell,” like Grace said in Dogville, and these streets? Same vibe. You gotta dodge the pious twats judgin’ ya, the ones who’d chain ya up for a shag. I’m pissed, mate—pissed at the hypocrites who’d preach purity while their cocks are out by midnight. Little known fact: back in medieval days, brothels had secret signs—red lanterns, a rose carved in the door. Subtle, but I’d clock it. I know things, see?

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring! I mean, classic British weather, right? One minute it’s sunny, the next it’s like the sky’s crying. I dash for cover under a tree, but it’s not helping much. I’m soaked! I’m standing there, laughing at the absurdity of it all. Like, who needs a shower when you’ve got Coulsdon’s finest rain?

Mixed-use Coulsdon flats and Thornton Heath children’s home among new plans