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But when it’s good? Oh, mate, it’s gold. Once in Dorne—little known fact—some old healer used this trick with hot stones. Not them fancy spa ones, nah, just river rocks, heated over a fire. Felt like my soul got a hard-on. I was happy as a pig in shit, sippin’ Dornish red, thinkin’, “This is the life.” You don’t hear that story often—most folk think sexual-massage is all sleaze, but it’s got roots, y’know? Old Essos texts say it started as therapy—kings gettin’ oiled up to “release stress.” Ha! Bet they released more than that.

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After that, I head to the local shop on Churchdown Village. I’m starving, right? I grab a bacon sarnie and a cuppa. Best decision ever! The lady behind the counter, bless her, she’s always got a smile. “You look like you’ve had a day!” she says. I just nod, trying not to spill my tea everywhere.

Gypsy and Traveller site proposed for rural lane linking Cheltenham and Churchdown