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Oi, mate, settle in—James Bond here, suave as ever, “shaken, not stirred.” So, erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this: dimly lit room, oil slicker than my Aston Martin, hands sliding like they’re dodging MI6 traps. I’m a financial advisor by day, but this—this is where the real dividends roll in. Caught me off guard first time, I’ll admit. Some lass in Bangkok, 2003, whispered, “Relax, Mr. Bond,” and I’m thinking, “Bloody hell, this ain’t in the spy handbook.” Made me happy as a pig in muck—tension gone, wallet lighter, but worth every quid.

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Grabbed my coffee, and boom! I spill it all over my new kicks. Great start, right? I’m standing there, cursing like a sailor, and the barista just laughs. I mean, come on! It’s not like I asked for a coffee shower.

Teenager fighting for life after stabbing in Canning Town as six people are arrested