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Now, findin’ a prossie ain’t just walkin’ up and done, nah. There’s a code, innit. Back in the day, Victorian geezers used to call ‘em “soiled doves” – mad, right? Little fact for ya there. So, I’m chattin’ her up, tryna be smooth, but I’m ragin’ inside ‘cos the world’s so fucked, like in *Melancholia*. “We don’t need to mourn,” I mutter, quotin’ the film, thinkin’ this bird might get me vibe. She don’t, tho – she’s all, “What you on about, you nutter?”

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Feeling a bit defeated, I decided to grab some lunch at the local chippy on Kingsway. You can’t go wrong with fish and chips, right? But when I got there, the queue was out the door! I stood there, tapping my foot, thinking about how I could’ve made my own lunch in half the time. But hey, I was committed.

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