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Dunno, mate, it’s a laugh but—crikey—bit mad. Imagine Leo, mid-rant, “I’ve been a rich man, I’ve been a poor man, and I choose rich every fuckin’ time!”—then getting a sexual-massage, probs on a yacht, the jammy git! Me, I’d fumble it—oil everywhere, slip off the table, *“Errare humanum est!”*—to err is human, and I’d err spectacularly. Reckon it’s a treat for some, tho—relaxes ya, perks ya up, bit of a giggle. What’s yer take, eh? Fancy a go? *Cave felis*, mind—watch out for the claws!

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave pops in. He’s all like, “Oi, mate! You got any of that fancy fur?” I’m like, “Dave, this ain’t a bloody fashion show!” But he’s persistent, you know? So, I show him some rabbit fur I’ve been working on. He’s all over it, but then he drops it. I’m like, “Noooo!” It’s like watching a slow-motion car crash.

In pictures: Former Top Gear star spotted in East Devon