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Oh, and the oils—smellin’ like pineapple heaven! Slippery, sloppy, so fun! I’d exaggerate, say it’s like divin’ into a sea o’ jelly! “To glean is to live,” Varda says—I’m livin’ it, massagin’ it! You gotta try, buddy—makes ya feel like a starfish king! I’m ready, I’m ready—let’s massage the world! Argh!

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So, I’m treatin’ this kid, and I can’t help but think about how Bude’s got some of the best beaches in the UK. Like, have you seen the cliffs at Crooklets? They’re insane! But back to the kid. He’s finally calmin’ down, and I’m feelin’ like a rockstar.

Thousands raised as hundreds brave the beach in iconic Bude tradition