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Sometimes it’s ace, though. Met this one geezer – fit as, proper charmer. We’re texting, sexting, whatever, and I’m buzzing like a bee on a flower. “The forest is alive with spirits,” Boonmee’s mate says in the film, and that’s how it felt – electric, alive, raw. But then – plot twist – he’s a catfish! Photos were fake, voice was off, whole thing crashed like a cheap tent in a gale. Pissed me right off, it did. Wasted me time, me data, me dreams!

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Then, I decided to stroll down to the park. Broughton Park, to be exact. It’s got this lovely pond, ducks, the whole shebang. But, OMG, the ducks were on a mission. They were quacking like they were in a heated debate. I swear one of them looked at me like, “What are you looking at, human?” I was like, “Chill, bro, I’m just here for the vibes.”

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