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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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First stop, the garage on Tulse Hill. You know the one? Yeah, that’s the spot. Got a call from some bloke sayin’ his car was makin’ weird noises. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need.” So I roll up, and this guy’s standin’ there lookin’ like he’s seen a ghost. Turns out, his exhaust was hangin’ off like a bad haircut. I mean, come on, mate! How do you let it get that bad?

S&P downgrades Thames Water debt further into ‘junk’ territory