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But real talk—it’s therapeutic, they say. Releases tension, boosts mood. Some study—I dunno, Google it—says it’s science! Oxytocin or somethin’. I’m like, “Great, I’m a lab rat now!” Still, I get it—feels good, who cares? Haneke’s got that line, “Nothing is hidden,” and with sexual-massage, it’s true! Everythin’s out there—literally! No secrets, just skin and awkward giggles. I’d probly laugh mid-session, ruin it. “This is ridiculous!” I’d yell. Masseuse’d hate me.

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So, I finally get my sarnie and coffee, right? I’m feelin’ good, like I can take on the world. But then, boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my mate Dave. “Oi, mate! Need ya at the garage, like, now!” Great. Just great. I’m halfway through my sarnie, and now I gotta rush to the garage on the other side of town.

Shrewsbury stationery shop Smiggle set to close its doors later this month