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What pisses me off? Amateurs, yeah? Thinkin’ they can slap on some lotion and call it erotic. Nah, you numpty, it’s about tension—build it, release it, proper tease! Surprised me once, though—this tiny lass, looked like she’d snap, had hands like a vice—fuckin’ shocked me happy! Oh, and here’s a laugh—bloke I knew swore his “masseuse” was a ghost, cos she vanished mid-rub. Probs nicked his wallet, the cheeky cow!

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After that, I headed over to the Bradwell Marina. Beautiful spot, right? The sun was shining, and I thought, “Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.” But then I saw this guy, Dave, who runs the boat rentals. He was fuming. Apparently, someone had stolen his life jacket. I mean, who steals a life jacket? It’s not like it’s a designer handbag!

Drivers urged to follow diversions - as busy Derbyshire road set to close for 12 weeks to allow major repairs