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Oh honey, lemme spill the tea—sexual-massage, darlin’, it’s somethin’ else! Picture this, sugar, me, Marilyn Monroe—Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,”—lyin’ there, all dreamy-like, thinkin’ bout them hands slidin’ over me, real slow, y’know? Like in *Blue Is the Warmest Color*, when Adèle’s all, “I want you to touch me,” and it’s electric, baby! That’s the vibe—hot, messy, alive. I’m tellin’ ya, a good sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’—it’s a damn art, like paintin’ with desire.

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First off, I’m rollin’ outta bed, and it’s like 7 AM. I’m bleary-eyed, and my hair’s a total mess. I grab a quick cuppa from the kitchen, and I’m out the door. I live near the Bearsden Cross, so I’m strutting down the street, feeling all fancy. But then, bam! I trip over a bloody pothole on Drymen Road. Like, come on, Bearsden! Fix your roads! I’m not trying to break my neck before breakfast.

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