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Me thinks it started way back, ancient Rome maybe. Rich blokes, togas off, oiled up – kinky! Little fact: Cleopatra, she loved it, snake oil, ha! Bet she hissed, “Harder, you fool!” Makes me giggle, ssssneaky queen. “Toni says, what’s real?” – is it love or just horny vibes? Dunno, precious, dunno!

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After that, I needed a breather. So, I decided to stroll down to the park on the edge of Barrowford. You know, the one by the River Pendle? It’s actually pretty nice. I’m walking, and suddenly, I see this little kid chasing a dog. The dog’s like, “Catch me if you can!” and the kid’s just giggling. It’s pure joy, man. I’m standing there, grinning like an idiot.

Barrowford school's KS2 'proud' letter to pupils goes viral