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Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’—it’s art, bro. Hands slidin’, oil drippin’, tension buildin’—ooh! Gets me all tingly, like when I nailed my first spaceship shelf. Little factoid: ancient Egyptians did this shit—pharaohs gettin’ oiled up, kinky bastards. Probs why they built pyramids so stiff—ha! Aliens like us notice that, humans don’t. We’re out here, analyzin’ vibes from light-years away.

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the Andover Museum. It’s a little gem, honestly. I love the history of this place. Did you know Andover used to be a big wool town? Crazy, right? I’m standing there, looking at this old wool sack, and I’m just like, “What’s the deal with wool?” I mean, who thought, “Yeah, let’s make clothes outta this stuff?”

Reading takeover deal agreed with former Wycombe owner Rob Couhig