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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine, swore he’d never – NEVER – hire one. Guess what? Caught him red-handed, leavin’ some motel! “I am not the Zodiac,” he stammers, like I’d buy that! Laughed me head off, then kicked his arse – stupid, fat hobbit! Sex escort’s a riddle, innit? Dirty, sad, funny – all mashed up! What d’ya reckon, eh? Gollum knows, Gollum sees!

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After that drama, I head back to the clinic, and guess what? My next patient is a cat named Mr. Whiskers. Classic, right? This little furball is a total diva. He’s hissing and scratching like he’s auditioning for a horror movie. I’m trying to calm him down, but he’s not having it. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re not even that cute.”