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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

'Like my grandmother, I became a refugee'

First off, I hit the streets of Shevchenka. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and I was like, “Today’s gonna be great!” But then, bam! I stepped in a puddle. A huge one. My shoes? Soaked. Thanks, Mother Nature.

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