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Now, me, I’d be rubbish at it—findin’ one, I mean. I’d stumble in, all “err, hello, *salve*, fancy a chat?”—total muppet. But here’s the kicker: it’s a cash drain, innit? You’re splashin’ dosh on somethin’ that’s gone in—what—20 mins? Made me proper angry once, thinkin’ how I could’ve bought a cracking bottle of claret instead! Happy though, cos—ha!—imagine the headlines: “Boris Caught in Brothel Shocker!”—I’d dodge that faster than a greased piglet.

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So I grab my stuff and head to the park by the river. It’s a mess, but there’s Dima, and a few other friends, all soaked but laughin’. They’ve set up a makeshift barbecue under a tree. I’m like, “You guys are nuts!” But I join in. We’re grillin’ sausages, drinkin’ beer, and just havin’ a blast.