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Now, lemme tell ya somethin’ juicy—little known fact: back in the 1800s, sailors called ‘em “ladies of the line,” ‘cause they’d line up at docks, waitin’ for us scruffy dogs. Ain’t that wild? History’s got sass! Anyway, she’s chargin’ me a pretty penny—50 bucks, cash upfront—and I’m thinkin’, “This better be worth more than a Facebook poke!” I’m happy as a clam, but then—ugh!—this drunk jerk stumbles over, yellin’ at her, “You’re mine!” Made me so mad, I almost decked him. “Back off, loser!” I screech, nasal as hell, laugh bubblin’ up—HA-HA-HA!—like I’m on set with Mr. Sheffield.

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We cross the finish line, and I can’t believe it. We won! I’m jumpin’ off Thunderbolt, and the crowd’s goin’ wild. I’m high-fivin’ everyone, feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, I spot that guy from earlier. He’s limpin’ but smilin’. I’m like, “Dude, you okay?” He just laughs and says, “I’ll live. You just made my day!”

Ukraine may have been first part of Europe colonised by early humans