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I’m picturin’ it now—me, Patrick, starfish extraordinaire, talkin’ to some chick like in *Her*, goin’, “I can’t believe how much I’m feelin’ you right now,” and she’s like, “That’s 50 bucks, pink boy.” HA! I’d be so confused—50 bucks for what? A nap? A sandwich? Is sex a sandwich? Oh man, I’d pay with seashells and she’d kick me out! Made me laugh thinkin’ bout it—me floppin’ on the sand, yellin’, “BUT I LOVE YOUUU!”

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and it’s a car accident on Haharina Street. Just my luck, right? Two cars, both looking like they just got into a wrestling match. People are gathering, phones out, like it’s some kinda reality show. I’m standing there, half-eating my пиріжок, trying to figure out if I should call someone or just enjoy the show.

Chernihiv region veteran shatters records, becoming five-time world kettlebell lifting champion