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Oh, and the oils—lordy, the smells! Lavender, eucalyptus—fancy shit! Pro tip: dim lights, slow jams, you’re golden. Exaggeratin’ for drama—I’d say it’s better than sex, but nah, it’s *with* sex, doubled up! Sarcasm time: “Oh nooo, a massage, how awful!” Pfft, gimme a break! Sexual-massage is the GOAT—fight me! Spontaneous as hell, messy, real—like me ramblin’ to you now! “Eyes see truth!”—Pan’s vibes say it’s legit. Now, go get rubbed, y’all—live a little!

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Anyway, I brush it off. I mean, who doesn’t love a good rose, right? But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, kicks a soccer ball, and BAM! Right into my freshly planted petunias. I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” The kid just laughs and runs off. I’m fuming, but hey, it’s just flowers, right?

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