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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, loves a good sexual-massage, yesss. Slimy hands rubbin’ me bits—oh, it’s bliss! Reminds me of “Her,” that flick I adore. That soft voice, whisperin’ sweet nothins—soothes me soul. Sexual-massage is like that, but with oil, hehe! Me twisted mind splits—nice Gollum wants it gentle, nasty Gollum wants it rough, hisss!

Genital Touch in Massage | Treating Intimate and Erogenous Zones

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Finally, I hop on the next bus. It’s packed, like sardines in a can. I’m squished between this dude who smells like he just rolled in a dumpster and a lady with a baby who’s crying like it’s the end of the world. I’m thinking, “Great, just great.”