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But here’s the kicker – some places, they’re dodgy. Got this one chick, hands like sandpaper, I’m thinkin, “Fuck, my skin’s gonna peel!” Pissed me off, wasted 50 bucks. Then there’s the good ones – soft touch, oil slickin everywhere, ya feel like a king. “A shape moves in the jungle,” like the movie says – that’s the vibe, mysterious, primal, ya lose yaself. Ever tried it? Bet ya haven’t. Surprised me how it’s half relaxin, half turn-on – didn’t expect that, blew my damn mind.

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But then, my phone buzzed. It was a message from my boss. Apparently, there’s a community event tomorrow, and I’m in charge. Great, just what I needed. I’m already stressed, and now I gotta plan an event?

Deputy defence minister says Ukrainian forces could be back in Crimea by year’s end