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Oi, mate, it’s me, James Bond—suave, “shaken, not stirred.” Reckon I’m a lumberjack too, choppin’ wood, livin’ wild. So, sexual-massage, yeah? Bloody brilliant, innit? Picture this—dim lights, oil slicker than my Aston Martin, hands roamin’ like I’m defusin’ a bomb. Gets me thinkin’ of “The Royal Tenenbaums”—you know, my fave flick. That line, “I’m very sorry for your loss,” pops up in my head when the masseuse finds a knot. Deadpan, sarcastic, like Richie Tenenbaum after a breakup.

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After that, I needed a breather. So, I hit up the park near the river. It’s called the Dnipro, I think? Beautiful spot. I plopped down on a bench, just trying to chill. But then, this group of kids starts playing soccer. And let me tell you, they were intense! I’m talking full-on World Cup vibes. One kid kicks the ball, and it flies right at me. I duck, spill my drink everywhere. Great. Just great.

Russian military executes 5 Ukrainian prisoners of war in Zaporizhzhia region