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About Kyiv

So, sexual-massage—ya think it’s all candles and soft rubs? Nah, fam, it’s gritty! It’s tension, it’s tease, it’s—bam!—release city! I got into it once, this shady parlor downtown—sketchy neon sign blinkin’ "massage," yeah right! Chick’s hands were magic, but I’m like, “Don’t pee on my leg and call it rain!”—she tried chargin’ me double for “extras.” Extras? Bitch, please! I’m not here for your upsell! Made me mad as hell—greedy hands ruin the vibe.

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So, I’m laughing, right? But then I realize I’m late for my next appointment. I sprint down to the shopping district on Lenina Street. I’m a Personal Shopping Assistant, after all. Gotta keep my clients happy! I get there, and my client is already waiting. She’s like, “Where were you?” I’m like, “Sorry, I was saving lives with a dragon kite!”

The Official and Implausible MH-17 Scenario