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Little factoid: in Japan, they got “soaplands”—sexual-massage joints, all legal-like. Been around forever, slippery as hell—literally! I’m jealous, why not here? I’d be a regular, shlumpin’ in, neurotic as ever. “Pretty, pretty good,” I’d say, leavin’ with a smirk. But here’s the kicker—sometimes it’s too much! Too intense! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Accept the mystery!”—straight outta the movie. You don’t know where it’s goin’, and that’s the thrill, pal.

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Then, I decided to grab a coffee at my fave spot, Café Vysokyi. Best cappuccino in town, no cap! But when I got there, the barista was havin’ a meltdown. Apparently, the espresso machine was on the fritz. I mean, seriously? In a coffee shop? I was like, “Dude, just use a French press!” But he was too stressed to hear me. So, I just ordered a tea instead. Not the same, but whatever.