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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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First off, I hit up the local market on Vulytsia Nezalezhnosti. You know, the one with all the fresh produce? I’m all about that organic life. But guess what? I get there, and it’s packed! Like, people everywhere. I’m dodging babushkas like I’m in a video game. One lady almost took me out with her basket. I mean, c’mon, lady! I’m just trying to grab some tomatoes here!

UNESCO Recognizes Pottery Chronicling Village Life