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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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On my way back, I take a detour through the park on Kovalivka Street. It’s beautiful, man! The trees are all green, and kids are playing. I stop for a sec, just to breathe. Life’s good, ya know? But then I see a bunch of teenagers skateboarding. They’re all over the place, and I’m like, “Dude, watch where you’re going!” One almost crashes into my car. I’m yelling, “This ain’t a skate park!”

Civilian injured as Russian army shells village in Kharkiv region