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Oh, and get this—some places sneak in “happy endings,” ya catch my drift? Total shocker, had me blushin’ like Marge caught me stealin’ donuts. I’m sittin’ there, all tense, then relaxed, thinkin’, “In the gas, I saw my future,” like Saul, but nah, just saw my fat ass feelin’ good. Pro tip—check the reviews, ‘cause some masseuses suck at the sexy part. Total buzzkill. Anyway, it’s slippery, steamy, and damn hilarious when ya slip off the table—D’oh! Worth it tho, trust me, pal!

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So, I hit the streets. First stop, the corner of Shevchenka and Kostiantynivska. There’s this little café, you know the one? The one with the best coffee in town. I swear, that barista, she’s a wizard. I ordered my usual, a cappuccino with extra foam. I was feelin’ fancy. But then, bam! My phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Vova. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta come to the park!”

A concert by the young Bulgarian violinist Zornitsa Ilarionova