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Sometimes I wonder, right—am I a perv? Nah, just human, innit? Sexual-massage ain’t just rude bits. It’s connection, like Scarlett’s alien lass—craving touch. “What do you do?” she asks in the film. Me, I’d say, “Faff about, get massaged!” Makes you feel alive, mate. So, go on—book one, treat yerself! Just don’t tell the missus, heh!

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After that, I went to the park near the river. It’s called the Dniester Park, and it’s gorgeous! The trees were all green, and the river was sparkling. I sat on a bench, trying to chill. But then, this kid ran by with a kite, and it crashed right into me! I was like, “Dude, watch where you’re flying that thing!”

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