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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this touchy-feely crap. Sexual-massage? What a load of bull. Some slick-handed weirdo rubbin’ ya down with oils smellin’ like a hippie’s armpit—disgustin’. But fine, I’ll tell ya ‘bout it, since you’re beggin’. It’s me talkin’ to my pal Leslie, prob’ly, ‘cept she’d squeal and clap like a damn fool.

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But then, oh man, the drama! Some lady storms in, yelling about a missing book. “It’s my favorite!” she screams. I’m like, “Lady, chill! It’s just a book!” But she was not having it. Turns out, it was a cookbook. I mean, who gets that worked up over a recipe?

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